De-Manning America

May 8, 2013

I have long thought that the problem with single parenthood has little to do with the parent that raises the child, it lies in the absent parent, in most cases, the father. In the case of a young girl, the problem is that the young girl doesn’t know how a man is supposed to act and because she doesn’t learn this falls for guys that are, well substitutes. In the cases that involve a boy, there usually is nobody around to teach him how to be a man.MANTYHOSE-02-1331103045

Still, with or without a man to raise the child, boys eventually grew up and somewhere his manstincts kick in. There’s certain rules that come with being a man, some that are just unwritten but universally understood. For example, the middle urinal is for decoration only and there is absolutely no talking to somebody doing his business…it’s not a bar, it’s a urinal. Now there’s no explanation for this other than that it’s “Man Law”. Go ahead, ask any guy if the middle urinal is for decoration, and if he says “no”, don’t date him. Trust me on this.

If you ask him to explain why, you might get various answers because nobody actually knows why the rule is in place, just manstincts have kicked in and you know. I assume that you skip a urinal and you don’t talk as this is the best way to ensure there is no eye abuse or incidental eye contact. That’s my assumption anyway.

reverse-1236680042_zoolander_-_ben_stillerRecently I have been in discussions with some people who don’t believe me that “Man Law” exists and they find examples of men violating these rules. Here are some simple rules:

Men don’t ask for help – My grandpa used to tell me “when you want people to help you, you will find that nobody wants to help you. When you get out and do things for yourself, you’ll find that everybody wants to help you, but you don’t want their help.

Men don’t ask for directions unless he’s the last person to realize he’s lost – Don’t ask, it’s just that way for us. P.S. that’s a benefit of being a woman.

Men don’t drink from straws – A cup from a fast food restaurant is okay if you’re driving, but McD’s kind of pushes that rule with their fat straws.

Men don’t drink “wine coolers” – Seriously Soda with hard stuff, juice with hard stuff, or a beer is your safest bet. Wine is acceptable on occasion.

Men know how to drive – Sorry, but we have to know how to drive because if we don’t, it ruins the women driver jokes.

Men insult each other – We do, get used to it. We call each other all kind of demeaning names, and the closer we are, the ruder we get. Think of it as a man’s way of saying “I love you.” There’s a real reason for this, we test the waters of each other because we know, if a man won’t stand up for himself, he sure the hell ain’t going to stand up for you.

Men don’t “Shop”, we purchase. – We go in, find what we are looking for, buy product and we get out.

Men don’t whine about pain, we laugh at it. – When I had a hernia I go into the doctor’s office and he asked how I was doing. I replied “Well doctor, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is that I have a huge bulge in my pants, the bad news is… it ain’t supposed to be there.” Which translates into , “something’s wrong, but I feel fine.”

Men don’t cry in public – Yeah, seriously.

Now you can ask any man about “man law” and use any of the above examples. As for you single ladies out there… when your on a date, these are the questions you should be asking your date about how they feel about. The more they disagree with me, the more you know to get rid of them. I promise, you won’t regret it.

I don’t know where exactly we lost “manliness”, maybe it was in the sixties when it became cool to hide from duty so you could get high. Maybe it was in the 1970s when it was popular to wear polyester and half buttoned shirts with a gold necklace. Maybe it started in the 80’s when it became acceptable for men to cry, or maybe it was the 90’s when Dan Quayle gave his Murphy Brown speech saying men have to take responsibility for the children the bring into this world.

Maybe it’s the influx of Metro-sexuals with their Jersey Shore t-shirts and designer jeans that gets me. No, the one that got me was when I saw a young guy wearing skinny jeans and flats. I was afraid to look because I thought I might end up seeing that he was wearing a thong. They got guy-liner, murses (manbags), manty-hose. Guys shave their legs and think it’s cool to get a tattoo on the ankle… seriously?!? And we wonder how Obama got a second term?

Are you beginning to see why terrorist aren’t afraid of us? Are you beginning to understand why they aren’t afraid to make war with us? Ladies, save America, don’t date the metro-sexual man.

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