Draft Britney!

March 31, 2007

With all the problems that Britney Spears had to face recently, one would have to question if she’s got ability to govern. She shaved her head, has a sex tape out there, recently divorced, went through rehab, broke an umbrella on a car, bought panties and on the same day she showed how clean shaven she really is. In fact, she showed that off three times in one week.

Like Guilliani, she’s twice divorced. She has passed out in nightclubs (haven’t we all?), and well she doesn’t live here in Louisiana. At least, not anymore. But as I have become fond of saying, politics is what happens when a person stops screwing up their own life and decides to screw up the rest of our lives. So yes, Britney is ready for Politics.

So you say, “Britney Spears is too young, too immature, and she’s not even a resident of the state”? Well let’s shop and compare. She’s too young.
Answer: Bobby Jindal was merely 25 years old when he took over at the Department of Health and Human Services and was 31 when he first ran for Governor. Britney Spears is now 25 and already has more experience in the national spotlight than Bobby Jindal. So age really isn’t that important, is it?

But the maturity. Her actions clearly show how immature she is…right?

Answer: Britney Spears has been in the national spotlight for quite a few years now and rarely has she cried in front of the cameras and only recently has made a completely imbecile out of herself. When the national spotlight shined on Kathleen Blanco, it took less than 48 hours for the whole world to realize what a complete idiot we had for a Governor, and it seemed as if every time the camera was on her, the Governor cried, whined, blamed, in fact did everything except act like a leader. In short, Britney Spears is clearly more mature than our current Governor.

But she doesn’t live in Louisiana.

Answer: Neither does John Breaux. Once he’s approved by the good ole boys, and I ain’t talkin bout the Duke boys from Hazzard County, John Breaux opens up the door to many possibilities for citizenship in Louisiana. Which I’ll get to other possibilities in a minute, but first, why Britney Spears?

Answer: Because Britney Spears has a proven track record. Sure she had some foul-ups, we all do. I could say she’d be qualified to run for Senate if she was cheating on her husband, maybe threaten to punch the President, but bagging her carpet and moving to Louisiana is reason enough to vote for her. T Lee Horne offers thongs, Britney wears nothing. Kathleen Blanco cries, Britney takes an umbrella after the media. When politicians decide to get away, they go somewhere at taxpayer expense, Britney goes to rehab at her expense. When our leaders decide to do business they go to Europe, when Britney goes out, she takes Paris with her.

So she had a little breakdown, but really, if any of us spent that much time around liberals, we’d eventually have a nervous breakdown too. I’d say, lasting as long as she has, she’s a pretty strong woman. But what makes her better than our current politicians?

Answer: Again, let’s shop and compare. During Britney’s short career, she’s amassed a fortune of 50 million dollars. She made a lot of people a profit, created jobs, and helped stimulate the economy. What has John Breaux, Mary Landrieu, and Bobby Jindal accomplished since going to Washington D.C.? The national debt increased $5,582,432,770,770.5, $3,093,827,887,817.89, and $1,127,921,202,884.91 respectfully. What would you rather have? Somebody who can manage money or somebody who runs up our debt and thinks it a good thing? That’s not even mentioning what happened here in Louisiana to our budget. If she took a look at Louisiana’s state budget, Britney Spears would have a reason to be bulimic.

While Bobby was running around the state, John Breaux left the state, and Kathleen Blanco shed tears for the state, Britney was bringing smiles to hurricane victims. And quite frankly, even if Britney Spears fails, at least she’s good looking. The truth is, Britney Spears couldn’t possibly do any worse than the current leaders we have. So let’s draft Britney Spears.

Now that John Breaux and the Duke Boys are opening the door, let’s look at some other possibilities for Governor…

Nick Saban: Upside- Like Britney Spears, Nick made a lot of money instead of costing taxpayers a lot of money, and this guy knows how to win. Downside- like John Breaux, he left the state and pranced around the sidelines in sunny Miami.

Ellen DeGeneres: Upside- she’s too much of a man to cry. Downside- she too prances and that ain’t no pretty site.

James Carville: Upside- When things look bleak, he could bow his head and put some sunshine into our lives. Downside- It’s still James Carville.

Sean Penn: Upside- because he starred in ‘Dead Man Walking‘ and ‘All The King’s Men‘, he’s the foremost expert on Louisiana affairs. Downside- His story would probably end like it did in ‘All The King’s Men‘ and his ship would probably sink.

Ricky Williams: Upside- his slogan could be ‘a chicken for every potsmoker‘. Downside- he might actually make that happen.

Tom Benson: Upside- He might move New Orleans to Texas. Downside- he’d really screw us in the Saints deals.

Peyton Manning: Upside- That guy is pretty good if, if you like 6’5, 230 pound quarterbacks, laser rocket arm. Downside- Indiana might nominate him first.


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