New Ways For the Left To Ruin Christmas

December 8, 2012

Every Christmas we go through the same drill. Miserable people who can’t stand people being happy, take the happiest time of the year and try to make other people miserable. Don’t blame Atheists, even an Atheist understand that Christmas is a Christian Holiday that is festive and joyous. They understand that even if we should be this friendly to each other all year long, it’s better to be this nice to each other for the last month of the year than to not be nice to each other at all.

Atheist might not believe in God, but many, if not most Atheist take part in Christmas activities. I’m not an Atheist, but certainly is there so much difference in an Atheist and myself that they don’t enjoy Christmas presents? Is there so much difference between us that I can not welcome them to a Christmas Party? Or that they wouldn’t want to go to a Christmas party? I wouldn’t think so.

Yet, year after year we get the same assault on Christmas. I don’t refuse to say “Happy Holidays”. I’ll say it, but I much prefer to say “Merry Christmas”. Would I be offended if a Jew said to me, “Happy Hannukah”? And while so many people would rather say “Happy Holidays” out of fear they would offend that 1%, I say “Merry Christmas” because the majority of people will appreciate it. That’s what people want to hear. It’s just much more pleasant to hear “Merry Christmas” and people like to be around pleasant people.

I could go on ad nauseum, and I’m sure all of you would just shake your head and agree, unless you’re a miserable person. However, this isn’t meant to be an article that begs for you to say thank you, but rather to give miserable people who want to ruin Christmas a few ideas. With four more years of Obama, I look to him for inspiration.

Santa’s Freeze Shop

For example, practice the lines “You didn’t build that” and “You didn’t break that”. I’m brain storming here so feel free to expand on the ideas. On Christmas morning, wait until all the gifts have been opened up. Then pick out the ones that you like the best, take them away from their recipients, and tell them “See that gift, you didn’t build that“. When the toys begin to break, tell the child “You didn’t break that” and explain to them that the elves are non-union and therefore built an inferior product. Then take all the toys away from the children, redistribute the working toys, and then call it “fairness”.

Now, if you get questioned about the “You didn’t build that” or “You didn’t break that”, you can tell them about the elves. We already established that the elves are “non-union”, but you can also make everybody feel guilty about their presents by talking about “freeze shops”. In third world countries around the equator, it’s called “Sweat shops”, but we all know that the North Pole is surrounded by ice. You can say, “Those poor elves working in miserable conditions around the clock, held captive by a vast sea of ice…”, and just to make people feel guilty for being good, you can add “being forced to build toys for everybody who has been ‘nice’. They don’t even get to go home”. You can point out that every picture of the North Pole only shows the workshop and Santa’s big house.

Let’s not forget that Santa is a big fat white guy who sits by the warmth of the fireplace smoking a tobacco pipe. You can use this as “proof that Santa is a rich white Republican who is on the payroll of big tobacco companies. He’s part of the 1%”.

Do you need more ideas? Get Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton to organize marches and raise funds for legal representation. Think about this, all the bullying that Rudolph had to put up with. Rudolph, as we all know, was also well qualified to help pull Santa’s sleigh, but because of discrimination, he was underpaid and used only after ‘one foggy Christmas eve’. It’s okay to punish Santa Claus, he’s a rich white Republican 1%, union busting, freeze shop owner, tobacco user, who sits in front of a fireplace year round, who lives off the backs of the poor, and only “works” one day of the year. So raise funds so that Rudolph can sue Santa for “discrimination” and a “hostile work environment”. Santa doesn’t need all that money anyway.

Want more? Okay, let’s not forget Frosty, who those evil Christians who lied to you about Frosty’s death. Frosty’s death was an inside job to cover up American’s thirst for oil. That’s right, Frosty died because of corporate greed and American’s thirst for oil. The earth warmed up and Frosty defrosted. It’s your fault, it’s the corporations fault, it’s Wall Street’s fault, and certainly don’t forget to blame George Bush. Greed and Bush killed Frosty through global warming.

And finally, you will have to turn people against Santa Claus but that is easy enough. Do a smear “truth” campaign against Santa.

“Santa’s a drunk driver who killed grandma!”
“Santa stole my milk and cookies”
“Santa invaded my privacy!”
“Santa is a peeping Tom! He looks into people’s bedroom to see if they are being ‘naughty’!”
“Santa snorts cocaine, you can tell because his nose is always red!”

To those who are looking at Christmas and finding reasons to be offended, just enjoy the season. People are being nice to each other and God knows there’s enough misery in the world, why add to it? Take time to appreciate your friends and family, you don’t know what the next year brings or who it will take away from you. And if you need any more reason, just remember that somebody, somewhere, is possibly out in the cold with a gun in his hand, far away from his family, so that the rest of us can be safe to spend it with ours.

For the rest of you, be proud to tell each other Merry Christmas. After all, there is no shame in having good will. From us at Louisiana Conservative and Conservative Fifty, have a very Merry Christmas!


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