Oh Them Pesky Senators

February 14, 2008

David Vitter seems a little upset that the Senate isn’t handling their business of judicial confirmation… I’d agree with the Senator but what do I know, I’m just a crazy Ron Paul supporter.

But I’ll tell you what I think is crazy. Crazy is expecting our Senators to go to Washington to do the job the voters elected them to do. What we the people really expect our Senators to do is to tax us to death, increase their salaries so they can cheat on their wives with either prostitutes or strange men in airport bathrooms, take their secretaries deep car diving into Chappaquiddick lakes, run for President, watch hot steamy videos of football players (Specter and Spygate), and oh, we’ve got Senators in waiting worried whether Roger Clemens is oral, stuck, or abstinent. This is what we pay Senators to do, not to worry about things like illegal immigration, the war on terror, the economy, medical care, and yes, voting judges up or down.

I like John Kennedy well enough that I’d actually advise him not to run for Senate. I hear the senate actually has a secret staircase to hell where Senators must first sell their soul to the devil before they even think about voting on a bill. Okay, so that last sentence probably isn’t true, but there’s got to be some connection between Satan and the Senators. Is it any wonder why for forty years the American people flat out rejected Senators who wanted to bring their evil to the White House? And now we literally get to choose the lesser of two evils.

In a way, I’d like to vote for Satan Obama over Satan McCain because I heard Satan McCain loud and clear when he called us racist for wanting to solve the problem of illegal immigration. On the other hand, there’s the flag in Satan Obama’s Houston office, celebrating Guevara for spreading poverty throughout Central and South America. Hmm, a Vote for Satan McCain is voting against communism (sort of), or voting Satan Obama would prove to Satan McCain that I indeed am not a racist and I really, really don’t want McCain to think of me as a racist.

But let’s get to the real nuts and bolts to what Senators like to do, whenever they aren’t ding-a-ling-a-linging in airport bathrooms and over used beds, or sexually harassing barmaids and waitresses (or drowning their secretaries for that matter), that publicly harassing private individuals for something that really ain’t none of the Satan’s helpers business. Really, first Barry Bonds, Andy Pettitte, and Roger Clemens, and now, not to be out done by Senators in waiting, Arlen Specter the useless Satan’s helper from Pennsylvania needs to spend his late nights in the Senate watching videos of hot sweaty football players? Maybe Specter could just line up Barney Franks, Larry Craig, and John Edwards wearing football uniforms and watch them. Shoot, get Hillary Clinton to bring the balls, we all know she’s got them.

And knowing how perverted the Satan’s helpers are, we can only expect them to drag Jamie Lynn Spears to testify in front of congress and let them question her about exactly how she got pregnant. Don’t forget older sister Brittany didn’t wear panties. I’m sure that the hell born Senators need to know what panties she bought and when did she buy them.

And what about all the performance detracting drugs that Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, Motley Crue, Rolling Stones, and well half of Hollywood and just about every rock star is using. Why haven’t they been to the Hell on the Hill to testify yet?

Quite frankly, since Hugo Chavez is a self declared enemy of the United States, why not investigate the people who have been rubbing elbows with enemies of our state? Why hasn’t Harry Belafonte, Sean Penn, and Cindy Sheehan been called to testify in front of the Senate about what Hugo Chavez is up to, and why is he friends with them? Oh that’s right, that is a national security issues, not important stuff like sports.

God help us, our next President will come straight from the hell on the hill.

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Have you not learned the lesson of Jimmy Stewart? Senators don't worry about little things, like what the people want. They're far above things like... representation. That's for representatives. Well, okay, not even them most of the time.

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