Paul Weir Speaks Out On National Security

June 22, 2008

Louisiana Conservative: “It’s good to be back with you Mr. Weir. I apologize that we haven’t been able keep up with spreading the good word about your campaign. We’ve just been so tied up with legislators giving their selves a 200% pay raise while refusing to give the Police and Fire department one and couldn’t even find a few nickels to throw to their aides who handled the phone calls. Imagine that, having to take all the nasty phone calls and emails because your boss is giving himself a 200% pay raise and he doesn’t even have the decency to throw a few nickels your way?”

Presidential Candidate Paul Weir: “Well they aren’t as important as the politicians. I understand the people’s frustration, gas is too high, jobs are getting scarce, the economy is in a downward spiral, but you have to realize just how important our elected officials are. Think about it, if it wasn’t for the guidance of our wise elected officials, imagine just how rotten life would be.”

LC: “Well I don’t know, we just had a state Representative’s son get arrested for the murder of a church musician, a congressman’s sister plead guilty, I guess beans do burn on the grill, and at least two of our congressmen voted to limit internet freedom. There’s so much going on down here so I apologize that we’ve had to move away from your story, temporarily, of course.

PW: “I understand, it is Louisiana after all. You know what they say, the more things change, the more they stay the same.”

LC: “Speaking of change, that’s a big part of your campaign, isn’t it?”

PW: “Yes it is, in fact let me tell you a little about my “Children Deserve More Economic Stimulus Plan.” It’s a detailed plan that I put together because I think first thing we need to discuss is children. Children are our future. First, we need to raise the taxes on the rich because the rich make money and the poor do not. There’s no reason why children should not be able to have basic necessities such as food, air, and water. Second, we need to address our climate change crisis. How can Government convince people to get out of their SUV’s and on to bicycles more? We can solve the problem of climate change and obesity just by requiring people to ride a bike. It’s also a matter of National Security.”

LC: “How is climate change a National Security issue?”

PW: “Because look at where the terrorist live, they live in the Middle Eastern countries except Iraq. The have to tolerate extremely hot whether out there in the desert and I don’t think that the average terrorist is driving around in an air-conditioned SUV and living in heated caves, do you? It’s hot and getting hotter because Americans are contributing to global warming. How much hotter do you think it can get before they really get mad and start bombing us? With all that hot sun warping their brains, is it any wonder why they strap bombs to their selves? They are already living in hell, of course their anxious to get 72 virgins.”

LC: “So National Security is part of your “Children Deserve More Economic Stimulus Plan?”

PW: “No, it works in conjuction with my “A Safe World For Our Children Security Plan.” We are living in a post 9-11 world and we haven’t even begun to take terrorism seriously. Do you realize that terrorist can easily come across the border? All they have to do is get a Visa and next thing you know, they’re on a plane flying into a building. Look at the hi-jackers on 9-11, they came to this country legally. We need to get tough on immigration, we need to make it tougher for people to come here legally. We need to check our ports, especially the oil shipments. A terrorist can be hiding in one of those boats filled with oil, and where does oil come from? The Middle East.”

LC: “Actually oil comes from all over the world, South America, North America…”

PW: “Hey, if you knew so much, how come I’m running for office and you’re not? Everybody knows oil comes from the Middle East and we need to get serious with them. I would push congress to enact stricter guidelines for legal immigrants to discourage legal immigration, raise the fees for citizenship, for example. I would also make them wait longer for approval before they were allowed to come to the United States, a “cooling off period” if you will, in case they have intentions of bombing us. We need to secure our borders, our ports.”

LC: “You’re talking about border security, but I haven’t heard you talk about illegal immigration, what legislation would you push to curb illegal immigration?”

PW: “I prefer to call them undocumented workers. First I want the Latino community to know that I am not a bigot. It’s important because they need to know that I’d help them get on a path to citizenship. They are doing jobs Americans just won’t do. I will push congress to close the borders while allowing the people who are now here to continue to do the jobs Americans won’t do. But no more undocumented workers at all, unless we need some more workers to do the jobs Americans won’t do.”

LC: “Well wouldn’t raising fees and other discouragements of legal immigration only encourage illegal immigration?”

PW: “No because when you’re starving, you’ll pay what you need to to come to America. I used to have me one of those Latinos, he’d do the garden work. Oh what a fantastic worker he was. The whole month he worked for me, Juancito’s esposa would make burritos and taquitos for Juancito. I’d go into his lunchbox and eat his lunch. Those Mexicans really know how to make Mexican food, I’ll tell you that much. Anyway, Juancito would always come to me and say “Jefe, me lunch was tole ageen.”

When I told him I took it, he’d just say “Okay jefe, I go seet in tha shade now.”. Oh those were the good old days, I really miss Juancito.”

LC: “What happened to Juancito?”

PW: “I don’t know, he worked for me about a month and then some bigot called immigration on him. They sent him back to Mexico… oh well I’m sure he’s working for some other American now.”

LC: “Immigration picked him up right before payday, right?”

PW: “Yes, how did you know?”

LC: “Lucky guess, I suppose. Anyway, thank you so much Paul and we at Louisiana look forward to find out more about your views and what happens on the campaign trail.

PW: “It was my honor.”

And you can keep up with the Paul Weir and John Skrude right here exclusively on Louisiana Conservative. Bumper Stickers will be in stock shortly which you can order now…

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