The Americans with No Ability act.

November 26, 2008

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Here’s a surprise: says the Americans With No Abilities Act isn’t on the level:

WASHINGTON , DC — Congress is considering sweeping legislation which will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

“Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said California Senator Barbara Boxer. “We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.”

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability. … At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million “middle man” positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNA Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled — banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as “Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?”

“As a Non-abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint , Michigan , due to her lack of any discernible job skills. “This new law should really help people like me.” With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Ted Kennedy: “As a Senator With No Abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation.”

How crestfallen persons of inability must be to learn this invitation to Hope was a hoax. But it looks like the AWNA Act won’t be needed anyway. After the government has finished nationalizing the banking and automotive industries, and then moves on to healthcare, there will be vast sectors of the economy run like the post office, the DMV, and public schools, where ability is irrelevant.

You don’t believe in superstition, do you? PETERBOROUGH.(Letters)

Daily Mail (London) June 18, 2010 I’m on a grave mission to quell superstition, With a tragic and cautionary warning. I knew one who’d pluck white heather for luck, And now his whole family’s in mourning.

He wore three horseshoes, saw magpies in twos, Trod a path of four leaves’ worth of clover.

He owned a black cat, never once saw a bat, Alas, his good fortune is over. His mirrors were stable, no shoes graced his table, Indoors he closed every umbrella. He touched wooden chairs, never passed on the stairs, How I cringe at fate’s impinging terror. It couldn’t be sadder, it involved a ladder, A screech of tyres, skid marks and a scream.

Not walking under led to terminal blunder, With the bus on route number 13.

Now he’s being cremated, the affair’s understated, His wife’s doing just as he told her.

She’ll scatter his ashes, in moderate batches; Six handfuls thrown over each shoulder.

SUSAN JARVIS, Bexleyheath, Kent.

Picture that!

QUACKERS: Ducks spend a lot of time on our jetty. Great creatures they are, but the mess they leave isn’t so nice — we spend a lot of time hosing the jetty. So how to get rid of the ducks? We thought flower boxes might do the trick but, as the picture shows, it didn’t quite work. We look forward to our first duck egg.

Mike and Jean Ogden, Worksop, Notts.

Wordy wise CICEROW — Roman boat race team.

SOPHOCLEES — John’s Greek ancestor?

ARCHIMENDES — Sam’s Eureka moment!

I CLAUDIA’S — Miss Winkleman’s new chat show title.

PYTHAGOREANT — abusive Greek mathematician.

EUCLOD — thick Greek geometrist.

AVISTOTLE — chariot hire proprietor.

SOCRATEAS — philosophical prankster.

JULIUS CAESAW — Emperor’s new toy. web site how to get rid of pimples overnight

ALAN POULTON, Guildford, Surrey.

Anagram The World Cup football competition in South Africa = To ruin it, blow off a loud, totemic, cheap plastic horn!

DAVID BOURKE, Rochester, Kent.

Jokes A TRAFFIC warden dies and, after the church service, the burial ceremony is taking place. As the coffin is being lowered into the grave, a knocking noise is heard. The coffin is pulled back up again and the lid removed, whereupon the traffic warden sits up and says: ‘I’m not dead, I’m alive!’ ‘You’re too late,’ replies the vicar. ‘We’ve already done the paperwork.’ KEN BRADY, Swanmore, Hants.

Out of the mouths of babes THOUGH I’m fast approaching my 65th birthday, I always tell my six-year-old grandson that I’m 21. web site how to get rid of pimples overnight

His response to this last week was: ‘Yes, Grandma, I know you’re 21 — it’s just that you’re covered in old skin.’ I find that a good sense of humour helps these days!

ANNE M. ATKINSON, Bury, Lancs.

Follow-up READING Mary Thompson’s tale (Peterborough) of her memories of a wartime childhood — and of her pet rabbit that went into the cooking pot — transported my mind back 70 years.

My eldest brother was fighting for King and country in North Africa; my middle brother had been called up and was home on embarkation leave. The war was at its height.

Many food items were rationed, meat especially was in short supply, yet somehow my parents had acquired a rabbit, and it was cooking in a large pot with seasoned vegetables from Dad’s allotment.

The aroma was mouth-watering.

It wasn’t long before Mum called out that dinner was ready. We went into the dining room and sat at a big table. She served plates piled high with meat and vegetables.

A dumpling was seated in the middle; hungrily, I lifted my cutlery. My brother spoke: ‘Blackie eats well, Mum. This meat is lovely and tender.’ I realised then that my pet rabbit had been killed.

I stood up and ran from the dining room in tears, shouting: ‘Murderers.’ I went hungry that day and, like Mary, have never eaten rabbit since.

OLIVE DAY, Rochester, Kent.

Sign Language CRUNCH TIME: We’ve had the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, so is this the Red Hot Granny Smiths? Seen on a pack of apples by Vic Kewley of Douglas, Isle of Man.

Nursery rhymes for our times Dave and Nick went up the hill, To get a coalition.

Dave came down with the PM crown, Nick Deputy PM position.

Off Dave went with great intent, To report back to his party, He found that they were all content; Gave cheers both hale and hearty.

D. C. WILSON, Whittlesey, Cambs.

… and Limerick I curse all those brash vuvuzelas, More strident than ten drunken sailors, Though when England win I’ll add to the din.

Now, where do you purchase loud-hailers?

J. WHITE, Beeston, Notts.

SEND your contributions to Peterborough, Daily Mail Letters, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TT.


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